Friday, January 12, 2007
Oh, everything was hard today. It was freezing and hail-snowing. I am so thin I am about to disappear, but I can’t think of what I want to eat. Our Turkish teacher canceled the last class before the final exam, so no review.
And Hubby performed a rescue on my hard drive with all my stuff from SoCal on it. Thousands of documents, none labeled or organized anymore. Every one has to be opened. There are letters I’d written home from when we lived in Turkey three years ago. Although we had wonderful experiences at that time, it has all been tainted in my memory by a family tragedy that hit at the end of that trip. I lost my brother, and everything is defined by this event, like 9/11. Sometimes I feel like I’m inhabiting multiple lives, past and present, Kloe and not Kloe.
I thought it might be hard to live in the same apartment with the same university furniture as last time. And sometimes it is. The couch I lay on for three days as I tried to process the idea that my brother no longer existed is the one I’m sitting on now. I can remember the pity I saw in the eyes of my Turkish friends. And I still regret my decision not to return home right away. That $3000 ticket would have been worth it.
Anyway, I miss him, even though he was not really good at life. I’m not so sure I’m good at life either. I am not really making good decisions.