Saturday, February 16, 2008
A Bad Year
Note: I normally try to keep this blog from being too personal. Kloe wants to talk about teaching and art and politics. But sometimes my life cries out to be explained a bit. So don’t read this if you just want to think of me as a cute doll in SoCal… or maybe it is comforting to know that Kloe, as perky and privileged as she is, also has bad, terrible years?
When I was a young Kloe, I thought each year was better than the last. So being 10 years old was better than being 9, 17 was definitely better than 16, it was better to be in college than high school, better to be a senior than a freshman, better to be married, better to be a mom, etc. I’m normally quite optimistic.
But this year, the last 12 to 14 months, has not been better. It has, in fact, been a year of tremendous loss, with very few gains. My prestigious grant in Turkey finished, where I was a faculty member with a big studio-office, and I returned to my role as an adjunct living out of her car. I miss my hard-won friends in Turkey, and realize I must work on my friendships here. I have lost my gram, one of the most important figures in my life.
But mostly I have lost love. My lost loves suffer me heavy grief, I almost can’t cope. I know this time will pass, and I’ll be happy again. But my naive idea that life continues to get better is obliterated, although it had a good, long run.